I finished an interview for a podcast yesterday. We had a great conversation and – given the time of year – talked a lot about money at Christmastime.

However, when I was scrutinizing my ‘performance’ going to bed that night, I worried that maybe I sounded a little too much like a Scrooge. Scale back expectations, only do what is good for your financial health, put all your windfalls straight into savings, kids always get too much… etc.

There was more nuance to all these aspects of the conversation, of course, but it still left me with the lingering question…

Am I a Scrooge?

When I was super broke in graduate school, I took pictures of the scenery, put them in plastic frames from Wal-Mart and gave them away as Christmas presents. I tell that story as a badge of honor that I did what I needed to do to show my family I thought of them, but without spending money I didn’t have. Oftentimes in these moments, I was thinking to myself, “Someday it will be different and I’ll make up for these years…”

Fast forward 10-15 years.

I’ve been in seasons of (relative) plenty since grad school. Did I shower my family with overly-generous gifts to offset those years of amateur (at best) scenic snapshots? Hmm.

The truth feels like “no.”

But why? Is it because I’m a cheap-o Scrooge?

I don’t think that’s it. Living with my husband of 12+ years, I’ve learned we (and, therefore, all people) are really different in the gift department. Gifts = love, to him. But receiving gifts just doesn’t mean much to me; my love language just isn’t gifts.

Generally, I like to spend on the exactly-right-perfect-best-thing if and when I know what that is.

So when it comes to buying for others, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t – hit the nail on the head, that is. If I’m gifting just because it’s expected with no inspiring idea, my gifts are better than scenic snapshots, but probably not by much. The times I really hit the right mark were about getting that just right, exciting, they’re-going-to -absolutely-love-this thing – completely irrespective of the cost (to a point, when my finances allowed it).

For example, my husband was really excited when I bought him a banjo a few years ago – legit excited to open and dig into his new Christmas present. And I was so excited to surprise him with it! Expensive? Relatively speaking, yes. But totally worth it because it was that perfect gift that year, something he still enjoys years after. And it fit comfortably into our financial means at the time.

But that last bit “it fit comfortably into our financial means” is important here.

My husband would die with shock and amazement if I bought him a new car to replace his ten-year-old Explorer this Christmas. I would love to do that for him(!) cuz his car is kind of a thing for him. But THAT is currently beyond the reach of comfortable financial well-being. (Cuz I’d also be gifting him with a big hole in our savings and a monthly car payment. Not a great gift.)

The hidden gifts

Truly, financial stability is always a gift to our loved ones, because knowing the people you love are financially safe and secure is priceless.

For example, this is why financial preparation for retirement supersedes financial preparation for your kids’ college expenses – your kids need you to be financially ok as you age more than they need money for college (for which loans are available). And this is why deepening your credit card debt or putting yourself in a position to be late on January’s bills for the sake of Christmas gifts is backwards.

Give the gift of financial wellness first, so your family won’t be strained or relatives need to support you later. This is the hidden gift you give when you stick to your limits for Christmas shopping. Provide the wrapped goodies under the tree as a bonus as you’re able. In the mean time, there are countless ways to show you care and create precious memories without much money.

You see, the other love languages, besides gift giving, are about quality time together, helping each other out, giving a hug, and speaking kind words. Aren’t those also our priority at Christmas?

Your gifts can just as easily be putting together that movie marathon tradition for the family, cooking that ridiculous but it-wouldn’t-be-Christmas-without pineapple jello “salad,” or whatever else creates memories filled with love, laughter, and service to each other.

You see, the other love languages, besides gift giving, are about quality time together, helping each other out, giving a hug, and speaking kind words. Aren’t those also our priority at Christmas?

the family money mentor

The bigger picture

Maybe that’s the real message. Christmas gifts are just a bonus.

They’re mainstream in our culture. But they’re just a way to make celebrating the holidays a little extra fun and magical (particularly for the kiddos).

They’re not the whole picture, not even close.

In truth, I do remember waking up Christmas morning to a living room nearly covered in gifts at my grandma’s house as a kid. But I remember very, very few of the actual gifts. The ones I do – lookin’ at you Easy Bake Oven – were more about pivotal childhood moments spent with people I loved (like baking in my Easy Bake alongside Grandma in her kitchen), gaining some new big-kid freedom (my own Huffy White Heat!?), or advancing through a little 80’s girl’s rite of passage (my own manicure kit – swoon!).

But then there were all the memories and moments that weren’t related to the gifts at all: dropping every possibly line from Chevy Chase’s Christmas Vacation movie throughout the festivities, revisiting our own memorable disasters of family Christmases past (the ones including dogs with diarrhea, a living room filled with fireplace ash, etc.), hovering over a puzzle or Scrabble board for hours with Grandma, picking on Mom for her raspberry jello “salad” that contains more sugar than the pies, and the shockingly ridiculous spread of Christmas cookies Grandma would make (her headstone literally reads “Queen of Cookies & Quilts” – she was seriously prolific!).

We each have our own love language and family culture – with both our extended family and the smaller ones living under our own rooves. The trick, I think, is to be aware of your own convictions, values, and priorities.

Stick to the traditions, games, ugly sweaters, cult classic movies, and whatever makes your family smile at Christmas.

It doesn’t make you a Scrooge to balance practicality with reality.

In the end, Ebenezer Scrooge learned the importance of compassion, honoring relationships, and turning away from selfishness and greed, which is very different than simply shelling out more cash (or credit) for bigger, better gifts. And in case you or I were still in doubt, I took an online quiz entitled, “What Percentage Scrooge Are You” and my score was only 5%. Whew!

Ultimately, we’re all already drawing a line on holiday spending somewhere – just make sure you’re drawing it on purpose and focusing on all the good stuff that comes before and after the gift opening.

Next, check out the podcast interview that sparked this post. Click here to listen to the interview​ (Ep. #27 – Nov 20, 2023) and let me know what you think in the comments.